To the many people who remain quiet under the bonds of sexual sin, or the empty horror of abuse, let me share with you my story, and may you be encouraged, comforted, empowered or convicted:
I was a bubbly, happy, outgoing and carefree little girl. I lived in a well-adjusted, Christian home where I was encouraged to get to know God and to trust His son, Jesus to save me from my sin. I did this at the age of five. We moved when I was about 6, and, to encourage new friendships, my mom allowed me to begin attending Wednesday night AWANA kid’s program. I loved the music and games, and memorized lots of Bible verses. I began to be friends with another little girl that I will call Britt. We started spending a lot of times together, and about that time in school we learned about animal reproduction. It was fascinating, and so all of our games morphed into some version of that.
Eventually Britt began wanting to play more physical games which eventually led to clothes being taken off and inappropriate touching. She also taught me how to be boy crazy telling me how I had to dress and act and we would try to catch the attentions of the 5th and 6th grade boys whenever we were at the skating rink. This all was interesting to me but it made me very uncomfortable and my conscience finally kicked in and I knew this all was wrong. Everything we played or did was consumed with the concept of boys, attraction and a word I didn’t even know yet, “sex.”
One evening I was lying in bed crying and wanting out of this friendship and wanting to tell my mom but not wanting to get into trouble. I finally worked up my tiny courage and walked out to the living room, dragging my blankie, tears streaming down my face and onto the front of my footed pajamas (perspective on how painfully young I was). My mom of course came to comfort me and I told her I wanted to talk and I told her everything, even about how I had spread these “games” to another friend of mine. I was terrified but Mom only cried and held me and she apologized. I was embarrassed, relieved and somewhat shocked that I wasn’t in trouble. Apparently, mom had had a weird and off feeling about Britt but just didn’t really do anything about it because her family were normal Christian people. Mom felt awful that this had happened to me and I never saw Britt again, which was fine for me.
Life moved on, I got new friends, and I was back to being a little girl again. I was, however, highly aware of boys and had my first honest to goodness crush at 9 years old. I was accused by all my friends of being boy crazy and while it stung a little bit, I couldn’t deny it, and the lessons I had learned from Britt at 6 years old about how to dress, act and talk stuck with me.
We moved again when I was 11. I hit puberty that same summer and I suppose my new hormones stirred up curiosity again. This time I began to touch myself. I became gradually addicted. I was very secretive but felt very guilty. I learned to compartmentalize things, to shut away one part of myself and be a good kid, all the while having a dirty mind and an embarrassing and sinful addiction.
I began dating a guy when I was 15, and from the start things were too physical. We got in trouble a few times and split up a few times but we got better at looking outwardly like good and moral teens. My life was turning into a lie. We went as far as we could without ever actually “having sex.” My emotional, physical and spiritual purity were being wrecked. Eventually I found out that my boyfriend had been addicted to hard-core pornography since he was 11. I was broken by this, realizing at 16 how true rejection felt. I always have struggled with my self-esteem, as I am a curvy girl, but this brought me to new lows.
Coupled with my guilt, trouble with my parents at home, and a doubting of God’s love, I nose-dived into depression. I was rebellious, foul-mouthed, and did a lot of things on my own that were ugly, sinful and not who I knew I was. At church and usually at home I was the darling, the sweet girl who helped out, who sang, who loved God. Inwardly I was twisted, depressed and lonely. I lied to everyone constantly just to have a believable alibi, to get out of things, to maintain appearances, which to this day is something I still struggle with.
I began to explore pornography myself, as I was curious about what the draw on my boyfriend was (we were still dating). Of course, I didn’t even bother fighting the addiction that almost instantly happened, and used alongside my other addiction were powerful tools to drive me further and further away from God and into self-hatred, doubt, denial and apathy.
When I finally graduated high school, I took a year off to figure out what I wanted to do, which eventually led me to apply and be accepted to a tiny Bible college only a little ways from my home. I was excited and ready to get out of Wheatland and by that time had managed to learn how to lead a double life. I still struggled with depression, boyfriend and I were still sexually active, and I still had both addictions. I kept those things in a box that didn’t touch any of the rest of my life, however. I had found that I did love God, and I tried to do and be the best that I could. But that box was still there, containing some of the ugliest things mankind will ever struggle with.
A week after I started my freshman year at college, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me over the phone. I was devastated but forged bravely on, knowing we were going in opposite direction. I struggled and struggled with my secret sins, always being convicted (I was attending Bible school remember?) and always trying so hard to stay away from temptation. I wanted out, I wanted to be a real person, not a liar, a sick and twisted female.
I went through a couple very short relationships at school, had a turbulent and confusing time with my male best friend at the time and met my future husband while doing dishes in the school kitchen.
We began dating several months later, and, praise God, from the day that we started dating in 2013, to the day I sit typing this, I have never watched or looked at porn, not even once. I knew that in one sense, the man I was fast falling in love with was the fulfillment of visual pleasure for me and that I could trust him. We struggled through our dating and engagements, with lots of mistakes, physically and emotionally. We finally made it to our wedding day, though.
My husband was not a virgin when we were married and who could say that I honestly was? This has been painful for both of us, as well as addressing the common other addiction we both struggled (and struggle) with. We have spent many a night crying together, broken and angry at our mistakes and the mistakes of others. It has been difficult but it has been amazing, and by God’s grace we are both healing. This summer we will celebrate our 2nd anniversary.
Oh and one more part of my story: I went again, and told my mom everything, we cried and we healed. Thank God for her.
God brought me through all of this. I know I stand in victory, and I have been standing in victory since I made the commitment to trust Christ as my savior at age 5. Because He looks at us and sees perfection, He sees His Son. I felt dirty and despicable for so long, when I was really a princess and daughter of God. He is healing me through so much now, and yeah it’s still a struggle but I know with His strength I can overcome. It reminds me of the verse in 1 Corinthians 10: “No temptation has taken you except what is common to man. God is faithful, and He will not permit you to be tempted above what you can endure, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it.” He gives us the strength and will carry us through.
A warning I will leave: I don’t blame my mom for not heeding the check in her heart about my friend. How can you be worried about a six year old little girl? However, my warning is this: Listen to the Holy Spirit. As a church leader, a parent or anyone for that matter, if you get that weird feeling that something may have happened to your child, it is OKAY to investigate. It could save someone. As the Church we have to be so aware and we have to protect one another.
As far as my struggles, I don’t know if I could have or would have opened up to someone during my biggest struggles, everyone is different. I was very careful and didn’t want anyone to know about my problems. I felt like I was awkward and gross enough without taking on another label. It seemed inherently wrong as a female to be struggling with sexual sin because, growing up and in church and youth group, any sexual struggle was always a “guy” thing. As the Church we need to make it known that it is a universal struggle. Here is a statistic I found on blazinggrace.com:
* 17% of all women struggle with porn addiction
* 1 of 3 visitors to all adult websites are women
* 9.4 million women access adult websites every month
That is craziness! I experienced such shame at feeling like I was the only deformed, perverted and fallen-from-grace woman out there! As the body of Christ we need to understand that in our fallen world, any depravity and corruption is possible, regardless of age, gender, race, background or whatever. We also need to be aware that abuse isn’t always flagrant. It is oftentimes subtle, used with keen manipulation and control and bringing on tons and tons of baggage. Reach out to others, speak with grace, and pray for understanding .
I guess with all this I just feel so free being able to tell my story, to be open, to be honest. My husband and I are going into ministry and I hope to be able to use my experiences to His glory. I greatly appreciate what my friend, Carlie, is doing in being a voice and an encouragement to those who struggle, to those who are wounded and weary. I pray that my story encourages you, dear reader. A Christian can walk the darkest valley, receive deep wounds, carry around scars, and yet remain a precious daughter. We can find victory, we can find sanctuary, we can find peace, in the arms of our Father, and the presence of His abiding grace.
Xoxox, Anonymous
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I was a bubbly, happy, outgoing and carefree little girl. I lived in a well-adjusted, Christian home where I was encouraged to get to know God and to trust His son, Jesus to save me from my sin. I did this at the age of five. We moved when I was about 6, and, to encourage new friendships, my mom allowed me to begin attending Wednesday night AWANA kid’s program. I loved the music and games, and memorized lots of Bible verses. I began to be friends with another little girl that I will call Britt. We started spending a lot of times together, and about that time in school we learned about animal reproduction. It was fascinating, and so all of our games morphed into some version of that.
Eventually Britt began wanting to play more physical games which eventually led to clothes being taken off and inappropriate touching. She also taught me how to be boy crazy telling me how I had to dress and act and we would try to catch the attentions of the 5th and 6th grade boys whenever we were at the skating rink. This all was interesting to me but it made me very uncomfortable and my conscience finally kicked in and I knew this all was wrong. Everything we played or did was consumed with the concept of boys, attraction and a word I didn’t even know yet, “sex.”
One evening I was lying in bed crying and wanting out of this friendship and wanting to tell my mom but not wanting to get into trouble. I finally worked up my tiny courage and walked out to the living room, dragging my blankie, tears streaming down my face and onto the front of my footed pajamas (perspective on how painfully young I was). My mom of course came to comfort me and I told her I wanted to talk and I told her everything, even about how I had spread these “games” to another friend of mine. I was terrified but Mom only cried and held me and she apologized. I was embarrassed, relieved and somewhat shocked that I wasn’t in trouble. Apparently, mom had had a weird and off feeling about Britt but just didn’t really do anything about it because her family were normal Christian people. Mom felt awful that this had happened to me and I never saw Britt again, which was fine for me.
Life moved on, I got new friends, and I was back to being a little girl again. I was, however, highly aware of boys and had my first honest to goodness crush at 9 years old. I was accused by all my friends of being boy crazy and while it stung a little bit, I couldn’t deny it, and the lessons I had learned from Britt at 6 years old about how to dress, act and talk stuck with me.
We moved again when I was 11. I hit puberty that same summer and I suppose my new hormones stirred up curiosity again. This time I began to touch myself. I became gradually addicted. I was very secretive but felt very guilty. I learned to compartmentalize things, to shut away one part of myself and be a good kid, all the while having a dirty mind and an embarrassing and sinful addiction.
I began dating a guy when I was 15, and from the start things were too physical. We got in trouble a few times and split up a few times but we got better at looking outwardly like good and moral teens. My life was turning into a lie. We went as far as we could without ever actually “having sex.” My emotional, physical and spiritual purity were being wrecked. Eventually I found out that my boyfriend had been addicted to hard-core pornography since he was 11. I was broken by this, realizing at 16 how true rejection felt. I always have struggled with my self-esteem, as I am a curvy girl, but this brought me to new lows.
Coupled with my guilt, trouble with my parents at home, and a doubting of God’s love, I nose-dived into depression. I was rebellious, foul-mouthed, and did a lot of things on my own that were ugly, sinful and not who I knew I was. At church and usually at home I was the darling, the sweet girl who helped out, who sang, who loved God. Inwardly I was twisted, depressed and lonely. I lied to everyone constantly just to have a believable alibi, to get out of things, to maintain appearances, which to this day is something I still struggle with.
I began to explore pornography myself, as I was curious about what the draw on my boyfriend was (we were still dating). Of course, I didn’t even bother fighting the addiction that almost instantly happened, and used alongside my other addiction were powerful tools to drive me further and further away from God and into self-hatred, doubt, denial and apathy.
When I finally graduated high school, I took a year off to figure out what I wanted to do, which eventually led me to apply and be accepted to a tiny Bible college only a little ways from my home. I was excited and ready to get out of Wheatland and by that time had managed to learn how to lead a double life. I still struggled with depression, boyfriend and I were still sexually active, and I still had both addictions. I kept those things in a box that didn’t touch any of the rest of my life, however. I had found that I did love God, and I tried to do and be the best that I could. But that box was still there, containing some of the ugliest things mankind will ever struggle with.
A week after I started my freshman year at college, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me over the phone. I was devastated but forged bravely on, knowing we were going in opposite direction. I struggled and struggled with my secret sins, always being convicted (I was attending Bible school remember?) and always trying so hard to stay away from temptation. I wanted out, I wanted to be a real person, not a liar, a sick and twisted female.
I went through a couple very short relationships at school, had a turbulent and confusing time with my male best friend at the time and met my future husband while doing dishes in the school kitchen.
We began dating several months later, and, praise God, from the day that we started dating in 2013, to the day I sit typing this, I have never watched or looked at porn, not even once. I knew that in one sense, the man I was fast falling in love with was the fulfillment of visual pleasure for me and that I could trust him. We struggled through our dating and engagements, with lots of mistakes, physically and emotionally. We finally made it to our wedding day, though.
My husband was not a virgin when we were married and who could say that I honestly was? This has been painful for both of us, as well as addressing the common other addiction we both struggled (and struggle) with. We have spent many a night crying together, broken and angry at our mistakes and the mistakes of others. It has been difficult but it has been amazing, and by God’s grace we are both healing. This summer we will celebrate our 2nd anniversary.
Oh and one more part of my story: I went again, and told my mom everything, we cried and we healed. Thank God for her.
God brought me through all of this. I know I stand in victory, and I have been standing in victory since I made the commitment to trust Christ as my savior at age 5. Because He looks at us and sees perfection, He sees His Son. I felt dirty and despicable for so long, when I was really a princess and daughter of God. He is healing me through so much now, and yeah it’s still a struggle but I know with His strength I can overcome. It reminds me of the verse in 1 Corinthians 10: “No temptation has taken you except what is common to man. God is faithful, and He will not permit you to be tempted above what you can endure, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it.” He gives us the strength and will carry us through.
A warning I will leave: I don’t blame my mom for not heeding the check in her heart about my friend. How can you be worried about a six year old little girl? However, my warning is this: Listen to the Holy Spirit. As a church leader, a parent or anyone for that matter, if you get that weird feeling that something may have happened to your child, it is OKAY to investigate. It could save someone. As the Church we have to be so aware and we have to protect one another.
As far as my struggles, I don’t know if I could have or would have opened up to someone during my biggest struggles, everyone is different. I was very careful and didn’t want anyone to know about my problems. I felt like I was awkward and gross enough without taking on another label. It seemed inherently wrong as a female to be struggling with sexual sin because, growing up and in church and youth group, any sexual struggle was always a “guy” thing. As the Church we need to make it known that it is a universal struggle. Here is a statistic I found on blazinggrace.com:
* 17% of all women struggle with porn addiction
* 1 of 3 visitors to all adult websites are women
* 9.4 million women access adult websites every month
That is craziness! I experienced such shame at feeling like I was the only deformed, perverted and fallen-from-grace woman out there! As the body of Christ we need to understand that in our fallen world, any depravity and corruption is possible, regardless of age, gender, race, background or whatever. We also need to be aware that abuse isn’t always flagrant. It is oftentimes subtle, used with keen manipulation and control and bringing on tons and tons of baggage. Reach out to others, speak with grace, and pray for understanding .
I guess with all this I just feel so free being able to tell my story, to be open, to be honest. My husband and I are going into ministry and I hope to be able to use my experiences to His glory. I greatly appreciate what my friend, Carlie, is doing in being a voice and an encouragement to those who struggle, to those who are wounded and weary. I pray that my story encourages you, dear reader. A Christian can walk the darkest valley, receive deep wounds, carry around scars, and yet remain a precious daughter. We can find victory, we can find sanctuary, we can find peace, in the arms of our Father, and the presence of His abiding grace.
Xoxox, Anonymous
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